The Chronicles of a Semi-Functional Human

1. Struggle to remember your passwords. Again and again. Eventually, you start questioning not only what your job is, but also the meaning of life itself.
2. Realize your laptop’s battery is dead from all the criminal series marathon over the weekend. Your charger’s at home, right next to the pile of snacks you devoured imagining you’d make a better detective. You think, „Well, looks like today’s a crime scene too – and the victim is my productivity!” More time to ponder over who the real murderer is. Because obviously, the last episode didn’t make it clear enough, and now you’re practically a full-time detective. A skill that will prove important for work, should somebody ask.
3. Another realization hits – you left your glasses at home. You sit down at your desk, squinting at the screen, but it feels like trying to read hieroglyphics. „The blind queen with spectacles has arrived, and the world will just have to wait!”
4. Drink at least three cups of coffee (before 9 AM to feel remotely human). Oops, scratch that! I barely make it into the office by 9:30, so make that three cups before 10 AM.
5. Awkwardly chat with someone by the coffee machine. Say you had a „full weekend.” In reality, you spent it at home with your cat/dog/stuffed animal avoiding social interaction like a pro.
6. Forget to drink water all morning, then gulp down a ton of it around 3 PM. And visit the restroom for the next hour.
7. Say hello to everyone, exchanging pleasantries. By the time you’ve made it through all the small talk, you realize you’ve spent the first hour just being polite. And you still haven’t opened your emails! Great record!
8. Wonder if it’s too early for a break after just two hours of „work” (spoiler: it’s not).
9. Glare at last week’s unfinished to-do list that you just transferred to this week. But hey, at least it’s consistent – kind of like a reliable old friend who never leaves you behind.
10. Repeat steps when necessary. This is how you specialize, right?
11. Plan to be productive – but take a mental health break every 30 minutes scrolling through your phone. Only to stay updated.
12. Panic when your colleagues mention a project you don’t remember ever hearing about. Do not act surprised. Just act busy and annoyed.
13. Promise yourself you’ll start working out tomorrow – but first, you need a cookie to survive this Monday.

Nothing says „Lucky Monday” quite like a to-do list with 13 items!